Lie-Clocks A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in from of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you like the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," contemplaited the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands heave never moved, indicating that she never told a like." "Incredible," mused the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Al Gore's clock?" asked the man. "Al Gore's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan," St. Peter replied. "Oh", replied the man. "and where is Howard Dean's clock?" "That", said St. Peter, "is being used as a turbine to power this place." _______________________________________________________ Kerry is a "Saint" John Kerry was going to visit the Catholic National Cathedral outside Washington as part of his campaign. Kerry's campaign manager made a visit to the Cardinal and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Catholics becasue of Kerry's position on abortion. We'd gladly make a contrubytion ot the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say that John Kerry is a saint." The Cardinal thinks it over for a moment and agrees to do it. Kerry shows up, and as the mass progresses the Cardinal begins his homily. "John Kerry is petty, a self absorbed hypocrite and a nit-wit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a thief. He is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever personally known. But compared to Ted Kennedy, John Kerry is a saint." | 
